I hope my brother and sister wait a long time before having kids, because I'm not nearly cool enough to be an uncle yet.

Some people say that the platypus is proof that God has a sense of humor. I think the real proof is lactose intolerance.

I take offense when people call me an alcoholic. I prefer the term "alcophile."

I wonder: if "fossils" were called "foosils," would anybody have any respect for paleontologists anymore?

I've begun to realize that most claims of car-sickness are actually thinly veiled gambits for control of the windows or air-conditioning.

I'm glad life isn't fruitless, because I really like fruit.

Today I bought $10 worth of bubbles. Life is good.

Spring means warm weather means shorts means I have to start matching my socks again. A bittersweet season indeed.

"Remember, candles and alcohol are prohibited in the library." - Security Guard to the clown-costume clad lad in line in front of me. College is great.

Oh that gravity. What a joker.

Colons: Intellectual Significance Through Punctuation

I'm glad elevators aren't carnivorous.

I don't mean to be racist, but all bananas seem like guys to me. I wonder how they reproduce.

My first instinct when I see a horse is "Puppy!" while when I see an aardvark I automatically think "Awww little kitty." The theory that there are two major clades within mammals, puppiformes and kittenidae, is still under peer review.

I don't care what you say, there's no way in hell you could convince me that unicorns didn't have gills.